I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
