Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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