I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
