thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
