I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
