We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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