And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I could fuck to npr.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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