so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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