I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
