I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
