I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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