I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
