I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
