dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
