I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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