My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
