Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
