That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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