I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
