I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
