She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i already hear my dad disowning me
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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