two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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