I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
