Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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