i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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