My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
