47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
