I wish I could teleport
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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