I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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