hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
