Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
