Pregnant stripper...not hot.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
