I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My balls are so social today.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
