I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
