i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
