Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
