I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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