yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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