i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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