I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
