its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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