yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
