I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
