I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
