you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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