The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
