is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
