I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
