I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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