Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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