just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
