im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
