a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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