Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
